By Dr. Unbar Aftnays PhD
Having spent many years observing various anthropoids, I have narrowed my field of study to one of the most fascinating and challenging ones, the writer on submission. Often inexplicably agitated and with odd, purposeless tendencies that undermine its own ability to focus, this creature displays an abnormal behavioral pattern this doctor finds most disturbing. Helpless to put the female subject at ease, I can only observe and take notes on the five habits which I’ve been unable to understand.
- Obsessive Blog Stats Checking: This member of the Hominoidea family has a blog that doesn’t allow her to see how a specific visitor arrives. She can, however, see if anyone has found her from a name search. This sends the author to another program called Statcounter where she notes the possible location of the search. Using reason and deduction, she tries to determine which “name searchers” might have come from an area known to the majority of the species as New York City-a normal city, but one to which she seems to have attributed magical powers. (She will occasionally go back and forth, resulting in lost valuable writing time which then results in self-recrimination and longer “makeup” hours at night.)
- Inability To Go Anywhere Without a Phone: Inside, outside… into the bathroom. And if she’s not at home, her cell phone is on high vibration in her pocket. If accidentally left in her purse, she fumbles around, mumbling “Please, please, please,” before frantically squinting at the caller ID. (This inevitably results in a slight slump of the shoulders and a moment of silence and gritted teeth before she answers. This professor admits to feeling sorry for those on the other end at times.)
- Pays Extreme Attention to New Deal Announcements: In the beginning, mornings were spent searching blogs for announcements, which in turn resulted in searches for publishers, editors and agents involved. Luckily, this tendency seems to have mostly disappeared. (On the rare occasions it resurfaces, she falls victim to an odd breakout across her nose and chin-a possible allergic reaction to any book announcements with similar sounding plots.)
- Weekly Reassurance Emails and Phone Calls: Luckily, my subject has a good two or three outlets for stress relief and reassurance since she can’t seem to kick the intense need for reminders that no, her writing does not suck.
- Extra Mind Numbing Substances on Fridays: While she enjoys the occasional glass of red wine with dinner, she makes a beeline for the beverage early Friday evenings once a specific time of day has passed. She lifts her glass toward her mate and announces, “Another week bites the dust.” This extra beverage intake can get out of hand and lead this normally bipedally inclined anthropoid to suffer an evolutionary backslide into quadrupedal movement and loss of working opposable thumbs.
I plan to continue my studies, but must admit that I too, look forward to the receipt of that call. I’ve grown fond of the anthropoids in this creature’s community and want for them what will surely end up being, a “brief” time of peace and celebration before her next piece of work goes out on submission.
Yes, Dame Rinda, is currently one of the Dames on Submission. Technically, we all are at different times, so this could apply to well… anyone! Eek. I’m currently waiting on my first book length sale and have learned that if there is one thing from which a newly submitted writer can benefit, it’s patience.
Since I don’t yet have books to give away in our celebration launch, I designed custom mugs with matching ceramic coasters for those days you need a little extra caffeine and an empowering message. Works for writers and readers, because in this world, there always seems to be a deadline, yes? It says, “My deadline doesn’t stand a chance!”
You get to pick either sized mug with a matching coaster in the design of your choice and all you have to do is share an odd habit. Have some fun with it! (Or, if that design doesn’t work for you, you can instead pick from one of these cool travel mugs–several work great for readers, too!)
I’ll choose a winner by random number generator and you have until midnight January 30th to comment. Devon will announce the winner in Saturday’s list of winners. Good luck and I hope you love our new site!!