Dame Lili
Today’s question comes from Reader MJ:
You’ve written about the addictive nature of the internet and its dangers to serious writing (and to authors themselves). I’d like to ask about a variation on that topic. How valuable is social interaction to you as a writer, and what part does the internet play in that social interaction? Do you have interactions there you can’t/don’t have face to face, or is the internet the last place you can just “be yourself”?
First off, disclaimer. The Internet is different things to different people. I am not sure I am normal in many ways, especially when it comes to social interaction. That being said, I’ll answer as best I can.
I am not a social person. Social gatherings or even dealing with the public is highly problematic for me. I’m even phobic about my phone, for Chrissake. Working retail was an endless nightmare for me. And don’t even get me started on office politics…
I like email because it gives me a bit of necessary distance between me and what another person wants. Growing up in a family where one’s boundaries were constantly trampled and survival depended on anticipating as best one could, the implication that someone needs something from me is high-stress. I like to save my limited energy and time for interaction for my close friends and family, because there is so little of both.
I am an extraordinarily solitary person. I’m not as bad as Bukowski, but I need stretches of time alone. Being essentially a single mother and the “safe place” for various friends means I have to be vigilant about my solitary time, and make sure to get it in so I don’t have nerve endings sparking like exposed wires. (This makes me, as you can imagine, So Not Fun To Be Around.)
So, social interaction is on the one hand immensely valuable to me as a writer–because I am writing about people, and I observe them endlessly whenever I can–and on the other hand, not so valuable and maybe even actively harmful, because a lot of times people drain me.
The thing that’s valuable to me on the Internet is that I can control my response time. The slight bit of distance and time between receiving an email etc. and the time I answer it provides me with a crucial hairsbreadth in which to consider the situation. To me, a lot of online interaction is safer, and it’s the only way I have of communicating with my fans. Let’s face it–I’m pretty poor. I’m supporting four people and the cats on my writing, and I don’t have extra for childcare. This is partly why I don’t visit a lot of conventions or do a lot of signings–I simply can’t afford the cash outlay.
The Internet has allowed me to have a personal relationship with my readers in a way that would not have been possible before. And it provides me the distance I need in several social interactions, a distance that keeps me from descending into being a twitching ball of self-destructive nerves.
I don’t have interactions on the Internet that make it “easier” for me to “be myself.” For one thing, I’m 33 now. I am myself, and I think I am only going to become more so. (It’s about damn time.) There are certain aspects of the Internet–chat, for example–that I don’t use because there are parts of myself I don’t want to share, as a public person. So my Internet use is curtailed by the idea that I am a public person, and the anonymity of the Web can be pretty flimsy. This is a curtailment I take gladly, because the benefits the Web offers vastly outweigh any pain I might feel at the loss of things I might want to do.
I am friends with a lot of people–my beta reader, the mods on my forum, fellow authors–who I would have never met without the Internet. So, as far as a wider acquaintance pool to draw friends from, the Internet has really worked for me. On the other hand, there’s been a lot of stalking and bad behavior I’ve been subjected to because of–you guessed it–the Internet. Again, the benefits far outweigh the dangers, especially when some simple precautions can ameliorate the dangers.
Still, there is no real substitute for going to a public place, settling down with a coffee or a bottle of water, and watching people. Writers are chronicling the human condition, and you can’t do that without observation of humans–yourself included. I’ve written elsewhere about the benefits of observation, but observation is not quite social. It requires a little bit of standing apart, and in that sense all writers are outsiders.
But to get back to the point, the social interactions on the Web have been very good to me, especially considering my gracelessness in face-to-face social interactions. The crucial little bit of distance gives me time to collect myself before I say/do something. (Sometimes I don’t use that space, but hey, nobody’s perfect.) For someone who is intrinsically a hermit and pretty introverted (despite giving a different impression when I set my mind to it) it is a godsend.
And now, for the giveaway! To celebrate the Dames release week madness, I am giving away two signed copies of Redemption Alley, the latest Jill Kismet book. To win, all you have to do is comment on this post before midnight on Saturday, August 1. Winners will be chosen with the help of Random.org. Please note that I can only send books to US addresses. Sorry about that.
Related posts:
Ahh Canada gets no love =(
I ordered my copy but they are out of stuck! *sad panda*
Hi Lili!
I have yet to read anything by you that I haven’t liked (and I especially adore the Society Series, short though it may be,) and the Jill Kismet series is no exception. Thank you for writing such cool books.
-Jenn
LOL
I have of late become more self-aware, especially about my introversion. The thing is, I can be really out-going, so most people think I’m an extrovert. I can talk up a storm, I don’t MIND public speaking (too much). . . but only in small doses, only with people I’m comfy with, and the only way I can speak in public is because I did theatre and it’s an act.
I work FT in an office with cubes and I am just about at my limit of social interaction. I’m so stressed and cranky having to be around people SO much. They at least used to leave me alone and let me do my job, but now I’m managing other people, which is great the department’s growing but not so great for me personally. It’s so exhausting I don’t wnat to go out at ALL on the weekends to see the friends I have and like.
It hurts the writing and my health too. I physicalize stress (exercise, hot baths, and Prozac help only so much) and I actually have thrown up twice this past month at work from too much stress, at least half of it from the job setting. I write maybe 500 words on work days if I can muster the strength, but today, I’m home, and look, there’s 3k for you, because I’m alone and focused.
SIGH. Does anyone else have this sort of problem? How do you handle it?
I see so much of myself in this post it’s a bit creepy. Over the years I’ve learned how to be a more social person, but I too need my “alone” time.
Thanks for sharing your insights.
Thank you for an amazing post! I have yet to read any of your posts that I haven’t found myself nodding vigorously in agreement! *L*
Thanks for putting into words my thoughts on being an introvert who is more comfortable online!
See now, I’m the opposite – highly social and interactive. The ‘net is my playground! I have had to limit time so that I get my writing done, which isn’t a bad thing.
Thanks for your post, Lili.
I love networking online. I meet so many facination people I’d never have the opportunity to know in the real world.
Great post!
Since you can’t see me through the screen, I’m nodding my head.
I recently read the first book in he series and enjoyed, looking forward to more!
I just got my copy of Redemption Alley today at Barnes & Noble. I also picked up Rachel Caine Cape Storm, and Kat Richardson Vanished. Going to busy weekend of reading. I manage a Best Buy and can say the older I get, which is only 31, the more I dislike people in general.
I’d love a copy. And Strange Angels was a wonderful read.
Great post and very true. I’m not a very social person either and i find much easier to interact on the internet but i sometimes wonder if that is just feeding my anti-social behavior…
Jess S.
=mmm bookses= =)
I don’t get out much so the ‘net is my window to the world pretty much, despite how warped & refracted a view it might be. I miss sitting & watching the people go by.
Ooh, please enter me into the contest!
I’m the same way – I have trouble seeing myself getting married or living with someone again, because I need really big chunks of alone time (well, do the cats count?) to not go postal.
Sounds great! Please enter me!
The internet has made it so readers can talk to all of their favorite authors and get to know them like never before. Recently, I emailed Judy Blume and when I got a response back I was so thrilled. Before the internet we couldnt get a response, it just didnt happen. So it’s great that it brings authors and readers together. As for stalkers and people who act out, that’s just a shame.
I’m with just about everyone else who commented on this… I need my alone time. I love my friends to death and I make time to hang out with them, but all too often I find myself right before the get-together vacillating on whether or not it’s worth it. In the end, yes. But my alone time means THAT much to me. Love your books Dame Lili and I requested the first two Kismet books at the library. Should get my hands on ‘em soon!
Yay
I think an interesting side effect of the ‘net is what we’re reading here: author blogs. I find now that I am in my 20′s and somewhat more picky about which authors I devote my time to, the blogs are a fascinating insight into the behind-the-scenes effort that goes into a book, making the whole experience more rewarding.
Am excited to read Redemption Alley…it has been on my wishlist since it the release date was announced.
would love a signed copy…i have already bought and read it (great!) but will keep your signed copy and donate mine to the local library.
Dame Lili, the internet, it kind of scares me somethimes. The ease of which information and communication is passed is startling sometimes. From a reader point of view, I would have never discovered 1/4 of the great authors I have read lately without it. Through visiting a live interaction with writers, I feel like I’ve gotten to know them and want to read their work even more.
I totally understand the hermit thing and the need for your on time alone;
And thank goodness for the internet! It’s so much fun interact with the authors of the books you love!
Soooo sad that Brazil can’t get it ://
for me, on of the greatest benefits of the internet (aside from meeting like minded writer type people) is the ability to do research from the comfort of my own home
for me, the internet has been a little of both worlds. It is a way that I can communicate with people who normally I only see at holidays. But on the other hand, it has also created a way for me to avoid communication face to face. I just try to see when I am leaning too much to either extreme and do the opposite!
i believe that the internet can kill off ones social skills, but it has opened up vast resources for education and other things ………..all things in moderation!
I have to say, I get shy eve on the internet sometimes! I always get nervous when I go onto a new forum and try to join. Like anywhere else the internet has its cliques.
BUT, I’ve made some wonderful friends because of it, and I’ve nurtured acquaintances into friends because of it too.
So excited for Redemption Alley! Jill and Dante are two of my all-time fave heroines.
I’ve never been much of a social creature,either, though I faked it pretty well during all my working years. Much more comfortable interacting by phone or email, and find that the quiet time is what recharges me.
As a reader, I appreciate the opportunity I now have to hear more from my favorite authors, and their processes…
Congratulations on yet another release Dame Lili! And thanks for your interpretations on the internet. I too have my hermit-ish tendencies, especially when I’m immersed in writing the Great Novel. It’s nice to know I’m not the only introvert out there.
I can empathize on the craving for solitary time. I used to get it on commute for work…50 miles roundtrip of blissful alone time with an audiobook..then DH decided we should start carpooling, after the gas prices started coming down….sigh….I make appointments every once in a while just so I can be by myself for a little while. I am looking forward to shift work again so I can have my alone time again.
I am manically shy, but I make myself be social. I do my best online when I can come up with chatty semi-sorta-kinda witty words. = )
Ohhhhh yes! I live in a very rural area so the internet allows me to connect with people who share my interests, offering opportunities for interactions I simply would not have otherwise. But I’d have to admit a large part of my happiness with the internet comes from the fact that I can control my interactions to a degree impossible with face-to-face situations. Like you, I need my space and I highly value time and privacy. I am shy and introverted, although I do enjoy people. I just get easily overwhelmed and the internet gives me breathing room.
Congratulations.
It’s been too long for me since the last Jill Kismet story. ^.^
Just wanted to say that I am reading your first Jill Kismet book and I am loving it so far. Enter me in the contest please!!
I’ve already bought Redemption Alley as an eBook, but I would love to have a signed paper version!
I can’t wait to see what happens in the fourth book.
Just finished Redemption Alley today actually and enjoyed it very much! I would love to have a signed copy though! Signed copies are ever so nice! I treasure those greatly!!
On a side note: Jill and Dante almost seem like they would/could be friends. I can see some similar traits between them, different ones as well though!
I’m the same way about big social events and even talking on the phone. I’m so awkward on the phone. All my friends know this so they only text me. lol
I don’t mind socializing, but I like for it to be on my terms. Don’t you just hate it when you’re at home, curled up wearing your pj’s and reading a great book when suddenly you hear a knock on your door? It ends up being that neighbor that talks about nothing and can talk about nothing for hours!
I love being able to chat with some of my favorite authors and get to know them better!
True it’s good to get out for a coffee or a bite to eat, either with friends or to people watch. Being a night owl, the net is great for me when everyone else I know is sleeping and places closed down, and I have quite a few friends now to talk books with me, since most of my family and friends don’t read what I do; a few online friends from all over the world I keep in touch with a lot now, and hope to meet someday.
Still, so many social places now, it can be overwhelming, you have to pick and choose what’s right and good for you, author or reader.
I have to agree that I’ve found people-watching to be one of the most useful tools in helping me to create diverse characters. It is easy for me to write characters that I connect with and who are like the people that I am close to, but these aren’t the only characters important to a work. Going out in public and simply paying attention to people I would normally overlook gives me much of the inspiration for secondary characters, and reminds me that the presentation of perspectives different from my own is half of what has always interested me in reading.
I’ve been on the Net since ’96, and I will be honest, it has been a social outlet for me several times over the years, particularly when I was being withdrawn in “real life”. I think it’s invaluable for the breadth of subject matter you can research (though some of the info is questionable). It can serve as a distraction when writing, no doubt. I’d have to turn the connection off or something, I think, or I’d be perpetually checking my email.
Great post. And I was never very good at socializing. I like to think that with the social web I am trying to open up and take part in that at a social event I would be more open and able to easily talk to people.
It sounds like you and I are from the same tribe, when it comes to social interactions. I love email. I tolerate the phone. I liked reading this post a lot, so thank you for sharing it.
I’d love a chance to read this. Thanks for sharing it~
Sounds awesome! Count me in.
Commenting … with fingers crossed. I’m a relatively new fan, but I have a THING for Japhrimel!
I like the internet for lots of reasons, but social interaction is not one of them. Thanks for the post and contest.
I found so much of myself in your post. Although I love being with people, I am by no means a “social butterfly”. I am the one in the group who is usually silent, nodding along with the conversation, observing the interaction. Often though, my introvert personality has been confused in social situations – I’ve been called a “snob” (which is the farthest from the truth); I just feel inept at small talk and meaningless conversation. I value my alone time too – ever since I was a child, I preferred to write, draw or play by myself. I’m glad to hear I’m not alone. Thanks for a great post!
I used to be more social when I was younger, but I find that as I’m getting older I’m getting more irritated by people. Which sounds horrible, but people have become meaner and not as pleasant to be around. Maybe it’s the economy and stress, who knows? I definitely prefer internet correspondence-short and to the point.
1)internet is about the only way I really get to socialize with much of anyone.. being able to communicate with my favorite authors is one of the major benefits.2)please enter me for the giveaway. I love your writing.
I just finished Strange Angels, and really enjoyed it. I think a lot of teenagers feel like outsiders in their own way, too. There’s a lot of fear, insecurity, and confusion…whether you’re fighting monsters or facing your peers. (fine line, sometimes) I’m looking forward to the next one.
Commenting to enter the contest. It also seems like a good time to mention that I like the fact that all of your posts here have your name and pic at the top. That makes it clear from the start which Dame is posting, adding to the social aspect.
My sister reads these books and recommends them to me. Haven’t started them yet. A signed copy sounds pretty darn good though! Count me in.
I like the internet also, there are people I’ve interacted with online that I wouldn’t have before (being extremely shy). And without the internet I wouldn’t have been able to find out about your YA book Strange Angels, as I rarely browse in the YA section at the store. It has it’s drawbacks – people forgetting what yo put on the internet stays there, often with a ripple effect.
I’d love a chance to win this book!
thank you, thank you. social interaction is very difficult for me (and my whole family) too. love your novels!
Am I too late? Anyways, congrats on the release of Redemption Alley! I love your books. Been waiting for this one and can’t wait to read it.