Dame Keri here. Today I have the great pleasure in introducing a fellow Aussie author and good mate to the Dame readership. Tracey O’Hara’s very first book–Night’s Cold Kiss–has just been released by Eos books, and she’s here to share her experiences–or maybe that should be her insecurities!–about being a first time author being let loose in the wide world of publishing. Take it away, Tracey!
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First I want to thank Dame Keri and the other Dames for having me. I love this blog and read it as often as I can, which 
sometimes isn’t as often as I’d like due to writing and work commitments. The thing I really love about the Deadline Dames is that they tell you how it is on the other side of the publishing fence. That it’s not all beer and skittles, wild parties and fame (not that I ever thought it was).
As newly published author, I find often myself nodding along as I read the posts going “yep, yep” to a lot of what is being said. Every writer has a different journey, we know this from the lovely Dames’ posts. But a few things are the same. After a total freak out (I’ll get to that later) I ended up on the doorstep of the fabulously talented Valerie Parv, in tears. She gave me a hug, patted my back, and said, “Yes, my dear, you’re a writer” then took me inside, sat me down with coffee and handed me a book — THE IMPOSTER PHENOMENON: When success makes you feel like a failure by Dr. Pauline Rose Clance. OMG – it was like this book had been written just for me. I was definitely an IP (Impostor Phenomenon) Personality.
The Imposter Phenomenon suffers believe:
- they’ve fooled people into believing that their abilities are more than they actually are;
- any success they achieve is due to external factors or luck rather than their own talent or abilities and they won’t be able to replicate it; and
- have a fear of being exposed as a fake or a fraud.
Now everyone thinks this way at one point or another, but IP personalities are affected much more.
So what was it that sent in tears to Valarie’s? I was getting fabulous reviews. “What?” you say, “shouldn’t you been happy about that?” The answer is yes I should have, but you see I wear an impostor mask and while it does not hamper my efforts, it makes it difficult to enjoy any success. When the people closest to me tell me it’s good, they have too, they love me or are just being nice. We’ve all seen that person on Idol that sings like a cat being strangled and is absolutely adamant that “My mum and friends tell me I’m awesome all the time”.
You see I thought the getting a publishing contract was all due to luck, having a fantabulous agent, and being in the right place at the right time. And yes – while I’m sure all these things are factors, I could not admit (and still have some difficulty in doing so) that this success was in any way to do with my writing abilities or talent.
Then there’s the fact I’m terrified that they’ll to find out what a talentless hack I really am. How can I possible write anything as good as the first book – it was a fluke after all. I know I’m a terrible writer, my grammar sucks and I’m punctuationally challenged. I’ve frustrate CPs, had them pulling out their hair or wanting to throw up if they ever had to read it again. But these are all symptoms of an IP personality too. So now I try and recognise my IP thoughts and try to deal with them for what they are.
BTW you can take the IP personality test here and just to let you know–I scored 88.
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to find out more about Tracey or Night’s Cold Kiss, check out her website.
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Awesome post Tracey! Oh & btw, I scored higher than you did…
Heh. The bad news, Tracey? This feeling never goes away. Me, I’m up to a couple of dozen books published now, and many hundreds of stories; and there is always this feeling of “OMG I fooled them again! Can’t they see how crap this is?”
So congrats on book one, and welcome to the confederacy, and, y’know. Be aware…
Nicky – why and I not surprised.
Chaz – and here I was hoping I’d get over it. bummer. Thanks for the bad news. Thanks for the congrats and the welcome
.
Hi Tracey! I’m right there with you, girl. Just keep reading all those wonderful reviews; they’ll sink in eventually.
Oh Ms Annette – only a couple of days to your Debut release. I am so excited for you.
Um…yeah I scored 95. Great post, though.
So excited for your release! I reckon the emails from people who will undoubtedly love your book will help.
Agree that it never goes away. Concentrate on enjoying these next weeks Tracey. You’ve earned them
Cx
You describe me to a T! That fear of being a success (because it’s a lie) is worse than the fear you just aren’t good enough. I hope you have learned some coping skills to deal with that particular anxiety.
Irene – yeah we should start a club.
Rachel and Carol – *kisses* girls thanks for your lovely words.
writtenwyrdd – I am learning coping skills – it’s called a maragarita – No kidding, I only drink wine on special occasions, me and alcohol don’t mix.
I agree with Rachel. Just listen to those who love your book and you know you just love your book too. Enjoy writing and take each positive at a time.
Tracey, knowing it’s face is a huge part of understanding the feelings. The fact that you can blog about it (courageously if not, probably, comfortably) means you’re well enroute to kicking some IP butt. Yay for you.
Bottom line is that you have to trust that a whole bunch of well-paid people actually DO know what they’re doing when they pick your MS from hundreds of others. They just can’t all be wrong in the same way at the same time. How much more likely is it that they’ve got it right simultaneously, instead.
I believe in you and it’s not because I’m deluded, or being blindly supportive, or because I’ve made a mistake.
It’s because I read your book.
Give yourself permission to believe…
I got a 77…
Thanks for the post–and if you think you’re fooling people, perhaps they enjoy being fooled?
That’s something I try to comfort myself with (which is probably why i’m a 77 instead of the 88 you are)
This is a great post! I am definitely going to have to check that book out.
I went through something similar when I released my first short film into the world. Every time it got into a film festival, or won an award, I was sure that it didn’t really mean anything, because obviously, the people who chose it didn’t know anything about film, and they probably only had like 5 to choose from anyway, or they were trying to score points by choosing someone in my demographic. I still feel that way. I guess I know what to expect if I ever successfully sell a book!
Congrats on your success. I hope you get a chance to truly enjoy it!
Forgot to add, I got an 87!
Yay, I scored a 96! But I really don’t deserve it…
I’m not a published author and such, but when I get a lot of compliments on something, it makes me very nervous. I can very much empathize with the feelings you have described in this post. And here I was hoping that enough validation could solve all my problems. Darn.
Thanks for visiting, Tracey! What a great post, too. I’m sure that feeling like an imposter is a necessity for being a writer…
I scored 83. *sigh*
Looking forward to reading your book!
Cheers,
Kaz
Thanks for guest blogging! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve felt the same way.
Hey there Tracey!
I think loads of writer’s feel this way or have other insecurities. Just keep doing what you’re doing, and you’ll be fine! =)
oops, that was my comment above! must remember to type in name…
Woh, great post!
Congrats Tracy on your fabulosity (ooh, did that set off an IP attack? – stop it immediately, hee hee!) and THANK YOU. I needed to learn about this today, perfect timing. Much to ponder…
BTW I scored 86. Ouch. But good to know I’m not a freak!!
Great post, Tracey, I feel like an imposter most of the time! It looks like most writers have a whole heap of insecurities going on. Congrats on the release of NCK!! You’re awesome!!!
Great info!!! I’ve never heard it called that before, but I feel that way alot. I scored a 73. I’m actually surprised its not higher. Did the book help you at all? Those self-help books are always such slow reads.
Congrats on your book!!! I read the info on it, and it looks awesome!!!
I got an 86. Huh.
Hey Tracey
don’t sweat it.
Writing is a) hard; b) very personal; and and c) leaves one open to personal attacks in a way most other jobs don’t.
It’s natural that we all get a bit insecure
[...] have been some great posts recently at the Deadline Dames. Tracey O’Hara talked about feeling like an imposter in writer’s clothing, Dame Devon with five easy steps to start a writing career, Dame Jackie on surviving conventions, [...]
[...] You can find her on Magical Musings writing about finding balance in the writing life, and on Deadline Dames writing about the imposter complex. Tracey has also been running an “In the Wild” [...]
Hi, Thank you for writing in such an elegant and thoughtful way about the Impostor experience. I experienced thes feelings myself, especially in graduate shool and thought it wasssss just me.Then as a psychologist, I saw that many people with outstanding accomplishments felt the same. Dr Suzanne Imes and I wrote about the experience and so many people were releived to find they were not alone.By sharing your score and thinking and by getting these comments, I think you are helping. I also want people tp know that a therapist who understands this can be helpful. ThanksPauline
Hi, Thank you for writing in such an elegant and thoughtful way about the Impostor experience. I experienced thes feelings myself, especially in graduate shool and thought it wasssss just me.Then as a psychologist, I saw that many people with outstanding accomplishments felt the same. Dr Suzanne Imes and I wrote about the experience and so many people were releived to find they were not alone.By sharing your score and thinking and by getting these comments, I think you are helping. I also want people tp know that a therapist who understands this can be helpful. ThanksPauline