By Dame Toni
I’m going to let you in on a little secret: Some writers are insecure. Yup. That writer you admire so much is, in all probability, a seething mass of neuroses.
That guy whose last book left you breathless? He’s currently drinking in a dark bar, convinced he’ll never be able to write another word worth reading.
That New York Times bestselling author that you stood in line for an hour to see? Her agent hasn’t called for two weeks and she’s positive that she’s been written off as not worth the effort.
The writer whose last book got gushing reviews in Publisher’s Weekly has just sent off his latest manuscript to his editor, and is absolutely positive that the pages will be returned so covered in red ink as to be unrecognizable.
The author of that novel that kept you up all night to finish last month is obsessively checking her Amazon ranking and her Bookscan numbers, even though she knows they’re notoriously unreliable as actual sales indicators.
And, you may be shocked to hear, that THE DEADLINE DAMES ARE NOT IMMUNE.
So, I’ve been having a rough month, writing wise. The gremlins have been getting to me. I’ve written quite a bit of work, but sometimes it has felt as if I am laboring over every word. (I had to remind myself of the chapter in Anne Lamott’s Bird by Bird entitled Shitty First Drafts to even get chapter 21 of my WIP on the page).
The other day we had one of those few days that make summertime in Connecticut less than the delight it usually is. It was what the weathermen call a “Triple-H” day: Hot, Hazy and Humid. I don’t have air conditioning in my lakeside cottage and, although it’s cooler there than many other places, it was close to 90 degrees in the room where I work by early afternoon.
I fled in search of an air-conditioned place to write and ended up at Barnes & Noble. It’s not my most productive remote work location, because as I sit tapping away at my work in progress, I must resist the lure of the thousands and thousands of books that are just beyond my reach.
Inevitably, I got up and took a stroll around. Just a short break, I told myself. And ended up returning to the coffee shop with an armload of books to browse through. The coffee shop at my local B & N is right next to the self-help section and, on my way back to my table, a title caught my eye: Queen of Your Own Life. 
I knew that earlier this year, Harlequin started releasing some non-fiction books. I’d taken a look at their list of non-fiction titles, curious about the focus, and I remembered the bright yellow cover from the website. I scooped it up and added it to my stack.
The author’s faces on the back cover were familiar. One, Cindy Ratzlaff, is a well-known publishing industry figure, and I’d met her at a conference or two. The other was even more familiar, but it wasn’t until I read the back cover copy that I recognized Kathy Kinney as the actress who played the hilarious role of Mimi Bobec on The Drew Carey Show. (She looks a lot different without the Tammy Faye Baker makeup.)
I thumbed through the book, which is a fun read about women feeling good about themselves in the second halves of their lives (a topic near and dear to my heart). Anyway, in the first chapter, they describe a ceremony that Kathy performs every year at a New Year’s Eve dinner she hosts for good friends, at her home. A candle is passed, and two questions are answered.
Here it is, as described in Queen of Your Own Life:
…everyone answers these two questions as the candle is passed to them: What do you want to let go of or leave behind in the old year that no longer works for you, and what do you want to keep that is still working for you?
In the book, Kathy describes how she and her friend thought about these questions when they were on vacation together, and spent a week adapting it as a life changing exercise. The devoted the week to thinking about everything from the first half of their life that they wanted to either discard or keep. From this, they developed a thing they call “The Crowning Ceremony,” a group exercise celebrated with female friends.
When I read this, I thought, “What a brilliant idea! I want a crowning ceremony.” Of course, my female friends are spread far and wide, and I don’t get to see or talk to them as much as I would like. And it’s a long damned time until New Year’s Eve.
Then I realized I don’t have to wait until I can get some gal pals together, or for a major holiday or any other damned thing. I don’t even have to light a candle.
I can decide what I want to keep and what I want to leave behind AS OF THIS MOMENT.
So, AS OF THIS MOMENT, I will leave behind my insecurity about my writing career. And, AS OF THIS MOMENT, I will keep the rational knowledge that, when I set my mind to it, I can accomplish virtually anything.
LET’S ALL HAVE OUR OWN CROWNING CEREMONY, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW! AS OF THIS MOMENT, what would you like to leave behind, and what would you like to keep?
Come on, write it down. You can even light a candle if you want to.
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I’m a very anxious and stressed person for reasons beyond my knowledge, and I came to realize it’s even worst than I thought when I travelled twice this year. I literaly had an anxiety breakdown in CUBA! How can someone be depressed in Cuba? I don’t know.. but I can lol
So.. I’d love to leave my anxiety behind and I would love to keep the passion I have for every projects I commit to =)
Great post, Toni. And your timing couldn’t be better for me.
As you know, my first-first draft is in it’s “cooling” stage. Between various celebrations, I’ve been noodling with ideas for new stuff. And, last night, I hit one of those insecurity crises.
I’ve been reading BROKEN by Karin Slaughter. This is the first one of her books I’ve read, and I’m just blown away by it. I read it and think, “I’ll never be able to do that,” even though my logical mind reminds me that she’s probably just as insecure as the rest of us.
Then, last night was the season finale of IN PLAIN SIGHT one of my favorite TV shows. I won’t say what happened to avoid spoilers, but the dialogue on that show often makes me laugh, nod in recognition – and then want to fling myself on my couch and cry because I’ll never, ever come up with lines that good.
So, last night, I went to sleep with the “holy crap I’ll never be able to do this” goblin. And y’all thought I was sleeping with my husband and a cat.
I haven’t done a ceremony or ritual, but maybe I should. This morning, the “you-suck” goblin was still with me, but I dove into the gaps I know exist in the story and started filling them.
I let the material take me away from the goblin and his morning breath. I think he got bored. Maybe he went to your house? I hope not. But he did go somewhere for a while, like that relative who makes the rounds.
Anyway, I find comfort in the work. I hope that will continue to apply in the future.
Wow! This post really is hitting home for me today.
I need to let go of my bad attitude at work. I haven’t been as helpful as I could be when people from support call me.
After work tonight, I am going to sit down and write a note and get rid of my bad attitude.
Thank you!!!
I thought a lot of about after reading through the posting. I had to laugh because I’m one who checks every day, every hour almost on my stats at Amazon.com. I know it doesn’t reflect what is happening in sales, but I like seeing the numbers go lower means the stories are positioning higher. Confusing at best, but it breaks up the day.
I’ve decided to leave behind my pessimism regarding society as a whole and where our country is headed, specifically re healthcare. Instead I will continue to live a healthy lifestyle, keep making my special soups, which I’ll do again in a little while, and practice what Dr. Oz suggests we do in terms of diet and lifestyle. Plus I will continue to have fun creating my latest project which has required me to think out of the box. Basically, I’m just going with the flow, and doing the things I truly enjoy doing at this point in my life. And one of those right now is eating a container of watermelon, followed by a couple pieces of dark chocolate, and then perhaps a nice cup of tea!
Ooh, great post! I, for one, would like to get rid of my insecurity too, but I have the bigger problem of being lazy, so that one has to go first (hopefully).
I would like to keep my stubbornness, though. (Can you be stubborn and lazy at the same time? I say you can, just like you can be a lazy perfectionist…)
This stuff is so good, its like a cheap (well free), form of therapy.
I want to stop letting people hurt me by making me feel like the way I choose to live my life is wrong…ITS MY LIFE! (yeah, little upset about that one).
I also have this stupid fear of trying. My brain likes to justify it as so…if I TRY and put all my effort into something, in this case writing and I suck really bad, then what have I got left?
I fully acknowledge how stupid this is, utterly ridiculous, I know I’ve got the whole world left. I also know that if I want something bad enough I should suck it up and try, I NEED TO TRY, screw the outcome. So it is this ridiculous fear I want to leave behind.
What I want to keep is the smile on my face, forever and no matter what.
PS- I also want to say that have got just as much out of reading other peoples comments as I have in writing my own. Its comforting to know your not alone and there is a real feel of support here and for that I’m thankful.
Yay for this.
Like Dame Toni, I shall leave behind my insecurity about my writing career – especially comparing myself and my work to others’. And I shall keep the knowledge that all I must do, and all I am empowered to do in any case, is to do the best I can with the tools at my disposal at any given moment, and trust that who I am is enough.
I’d love to leave behind this insane need I have to keep remembering the mistakes I made in the past and need to keep my sense of humor. Normal is about averages, I’ve never been normal and that’s okay.
I live in CT, also. There have been some pretty rough days lately. It was too hot to even go outside. Luckily, it’s been cooler these past few days where I am.
I want to leave behind the big mistakes I’ve made recently and improve myself so I don’t make them again. Also, I want to keep my ability to remain the same, and keep my personality even in difficult times.