Dame Lili
It’s been a rough year. To say the least. Major Life Changes, some I talk about here and some I don’t, have come thick and fast. Eight months ago I wasn’t sure I’d make it. Three months ago I saw light at the end of the tunnel. A month ago I decided I was, in fact, okay and going to stay that way.
I’ve been writing all the while.
On Wednesday I finished the zero draft of the fifth Strange Angels book. I never leave the keyboard after I finish something, whether it be a chapter or a whole piece, so I opened up the next Jill Kismet book and tinkered on it a bit. Then I dragged my weary self to bed, nerves jumping and the flywheel that was powering the story still sparking and fizzing inside my head. Finishing a book is like that, for me–there’s a nervous sense of all that energy and focus bleeding away but not nearly fast enough to let me rest, everything in me raw and quivering. It’s kind of like the adrenaline aftermath of a crisis, before your body gets the memo that everything’s over and it can collapse.
I lay in bed, and I realized with a start that I’d actually finished three books since my life began to implode last May. I was afraid during each one that I wouldn’t be able to get to the end, that the crises would rob me of needed energy to finish or that without the fuel of adrenaline and pain I wouldn’t be able to write something good. This is a perfect example of the irrationality of severe stress, because I was afraid of contradictory things at the same time. Telling myself it was irrational did not help, because then I felt crazy. The only thing that helped was the habit of looking at what needed to be finished first, putting my head down, and plowing through. Breakdowns, crying jags, and dealing with the minutiae and paperwork of a life undergoing massive changes was all very well, but I had wordcount to achieve.
I was so afraid I wouldn’t make my deadlines. There’s no shame in admitting I was terrified. Would I lose my edge or my empathy for my characters if I wasn’t miserable? Would I have to find another job because the writing would suddenly fail? Would my editors look askance at the manuscripts I turned in and gently tell me, “This is unpublishable…just go away”?
I was afraid of all that, and more.
Yet I finished three books. My editors liked the first two as much as they’ve liked anything else, revisions were just the same as they always were. The third has to rest before I can make any judgment, but I suspect it will be no worse than any other messy, terrible, hole-filled zero draft.
Time and again I keep coming back to the simple fact that writing is what I was meant and made to do. I can’t imagine living without it. And writing keeps saving me long after it feels like the rest of the world’s given up. All I have to do is show up, and the Muse is there. As long as I suit up and start swinging, she keeps feeding me the balls. My end of the bargain is simply to make writing a daily priority, and writing takes care of the rest. It is my life-raft, my safety line, my rope, my net, the way I make sense of the world and the way the world makes sense of me.
At the rock wall on Thursday, one young man could barely get four feet off the ground. Shaking, sweating, but grimly determined, he would clip in and climb those four feet. The belayer on duty encouraged him each time. “It doesn’t matter how high you climb. It just matters that you get on the wall. It’s okay. Take your time. It’s not a race or a contest.”
Watching that, I thought of where I was months ago, too frightened to reach the top of the wall. Clinging, terrified, to any hold I could reach, despite marked routes. Just getting into my harness and clipping onto the rope was a victory. Just putting my hands on the wall was another. The actual climbing? A series of small victories. And I thought, as I dusted my hands with chalk and glanced at my belayer, real courage isn’t fearlessness. It’s trusting yourself despite the fear.
I keep coming back to this essential fact, over and over again. Writing has taught me this much, and writing keeps patiently reteaching me when I forget, as I frequently do. Sometimes I feel like an idiot when I realize that once again, I’ve proven to myself that all I have to do is show up and be ready to work, and the writing takes care of the rest.
I suppose I’d feel a lot more idiotic if I actually quit.
So here’s what I have to say this morning. Do that thing you love. Don’t stop. It doesn’t have to be writing. It’s whatever your thing is. But do it. Show up and swing. Get into the habit of doing it during the good times, so it can carry you through the bad. I can promise you that you will surprise yourself. You will eventually get to the top of the wall. You will eventually get to the end of the book. You will eventually get to wherever you need to go. That thing you love, that thing you do, it’s endlessly faithful. As long as you’re in there swinging, the Muse or whatever else will be right there with you. It’s not a contest; it’s not about winning. Or if it is, winning might not be what you think it is.
To me, right now, the winning is just showing up. It is looking back and realizing that once again, writing has saved my life, because I cared enough to show up every damn day. Even when I was half-dead of heartbreak, even when bathing or feeding myself seemed like an insurmountable obstacle, even when I didn’t know how I was going to get through another five minutes without the pain eating me whole, the writing was always there. The writing, for me, will always be there.
I kind of feel like a goober for doubting it.
Over and out.
Or actually, NOT over and out. I promised a giveaway of Jealousy, due to release on July 29. So here’s the rules: comment on this entry by midnight PST on Sunday, July 11, and with the help of Random.org I will pick two winners to receive signed copies of Jealousy. I can only ship to those in the US; sorry about that, but that’s the way it is.
Good luck!
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Tags: Contests, Strange Angels, writers
Can’t wait for Jealousy to come out! Thanks for the awesome giveaway!
I’m counting the days till Jealousy comes out. And then I’ll be counting the days till Book 4 & 5. Your tweets the other night had me flaily!
What an inspiring post. I have been going through some life depressing moments, I’m trying to hang in there each day. I’ve picked myself up before and I’ll do it again but it’s really hard sometimes but I know I can do it.
Just one step at a time.
I’m interested in the book; go ahead, make me a fan
Wow, what a great post! Sometimes it is really hard to face up to things in our life. We must remember that somethings we just have to get through. I, literally, tell myself a lot, “This, too, will pass”. It always does.
I can’t wait so exited I love Dru ! she’s awesome. I can’t wait till she blooms I bet she’ll be even more fierce
I love this series (well, ALL of your books, really), cannot wait for Jealousy to come out!
I can’t wait for the next book! I always hate waiting for the book in series but its always worth it!
Life has been very stressful lately. Being a military family has that benefit. There have been times where I’ve doubted myself and my goals.
Thanks for reminding us to do what we love and it will help see us through. I needed to hear that.
Great advice, something I’ll have to remember. And great post.
I can’t wait for Jealousy to come out!
-sandy
Great post! It is hard to believe that you will make it when you are in the middle of things. Sometimes, you just have to keep going on faith.
THanks!
Katie
Thank you for this post. Thank you for your writing–it’s honest and gives me hope.
Fantastic post–I’m happy you’re finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I’d love to win a copy of Jealousy, as I’ve had it on my wish list for a while now!
I’m so glad you posted this today it was like it was meant for me. Thank You. Can’t wait for the new book.
Strange Angels is such an awesome series, I can’t wait to read the rest! You are such an awesome author!!!
When I was learning to ride and then later training for equestrian events, every time I fell off the horse, my dad would say the same thing: Only a fool sits in the dirt. Get up, dust yourself off, and get back in the saddle. It’s a life lesson I have to constantly remind myself of.
Lily,you were mentioned in a class Mel Odom gave to the OKRWA as an example of a professional writer. He has a lot of respect for you as a person and a writer (not to mention he raved about how talented you are!). Your post today just solidifies everything he said.
I know you are an inspiration for me. Your blog entries and tidbits have been a bit of sunshine or a kick in the ass when I’ve needed it. Can’t wait for all the new books and to see how real life translated into fiction!
I can’t wait for Jealousy to come out!!
I’m glad you’ve made it through the worst of it (or so it sounds) — the light always does appear again.
Thanks for the giveaway — very generous
On the edge of my seat to see what happens next to Dru and crew! I am completely in love with your writing style and characters! My first set was with Dante, moved onto The Watchers and The Society series, have Jill staring at me from the TBR pile and just read through the first two of Dru in no time at all!! Your posts are insightful to even us non writers. Keep doing what you love!
I’ll confess you are a new-to-me author. HOWEVER, after reading your post, I’ve copied it and plan to put it on the wall in my bedroom and on the wall next to my desk at work. You’ll never know what a timely post this is for me. Thank you.
I really enjoyed your post, it was inspiring. I agree – even if it’s not that thing you love, but maybe that thing you need to do, like taking care of your child, or showing up to your job, if you just do it, continue with that routine, things will get better.
I remember, and I will always remember, the blog you gave us about having a backbone of steel. I have always admired the strength inherent in you and in your heroines. They mean the world to me, and have given me courage when I needed it too.
I think I’m going to make sure I get a daily hit in the face from this quote: “[R]eal courage isn’t fearlessness. It’s trusting yourself despite the fear.”
Can’t wait for Jealousy!
I can’t wait to read Jealousy!
Thank you. For your honesty and damn stubborn determination. You inspire me. So. Yeah. Thanks.
Inspiring.. keep fighting the current for as long as I can.. there is no failure in trying .. only in giving up! Some days i keep that in mind.. other days i need to be reminded.. Keep going strong..
Interested in your series. Strange angels looks promising
Totally agree. Life is to short not to do what you love. I’m looking forward to getting another Saintcrow book in my hands. Need my fix *grin*
Just the post I needed today. Thank you.
I’m a fairly recent fan, but a big fan none-the-less. So glad you showed up. I love you’re tweets, they always make me bust out a big guffaw at the most inopportune moments.
Congrats on the zero draft and the upcomming release of Jealousy.
Can’t wait for the book. Love all your work. Yesterday my sister saw me reading Strange Angels and said, “Aren’t you a little old to be reading YA books?” (I’m 37) I would have thrown the book at her, but didn’t want to loose my place.
That’s a great point you have there. But a part of it is also just figuring out what it is you want to do, what you love enough to struggle for.
Cheers!
So, so, so, so, so excited for Jealousy to come out! Huzzah!
I’m going to start on Strange Angels ASAP. I have it on my shelf. Thanks for the giveaway!
Trini A Book Lovers Review
abookloversreview@gmail.com
Can’t wait for the new book, would love to get one of the signed ones! Thanks Lilith for writing awesome stories!
I LOVE the Strange Angels series. Hooked me from book one and I’ve been recommending it to everyone. Can’t wait for Jealousy! Thanks for the chance to read it early!
Love your post, as always it was inspiring. Keep posting…tweeting? Hmmm…what ever the technologically correct term is, keep doing it :0 )
cant wait for jealousy!Love strange Angel
I went through a really bad time in my 20′s and I stopped writing. My ex is a writer, and well, I gave it up and he kept going. It took me until I wasn’t almost 40 to start writing again. When I did I felt like a piece of me had grown back, for lack of a better description. I don’t want to regret but I know I would have been in a better emotional state if I had kept writing. I’m really glad you kept writing:)
Thanks for the giveaway.
Looking forward to Jealousy, thanks so much!
Count me in too.
We all go through rough patches. I wish you all the best. Thanks for the chance to get signed copies.
Life has a funny way of testing all of us. I hate all those sayings like, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger – but they’re all true. Frustrating, because there are times when I want to say to the universe, hey! haven’t I been tested enough? Haven’t I gone through enough? I’m afraid if I really do this, then the universe – with it’s ironic sense of humor, will say – sure you’ve had enough – time to leave your life now.
So I put my head down, and just go through live – enjoying the little things, like grandchildren, books, flowers, etc.
Life is really hard sometimes, with small little rewards for most of us – but it’s better than the alternative!
Can I just say that your stubbornness is inspiring? I’m amazed at how I never really considered the idea of just keeping at something on a daily basis.
Off to discover that thing I love!
I love christopher!!!!!! I hope he appears more in this book then graves
Great series !
I really love the Strange Angels books. I mean relly love them like I read them over and over again until the next one come out. I think it would be great if Dru ends up with Christophe but I like Graves to. Thanks for the giveaway. Im so excited.
Great Series. You’re a great writter.
Wow! I for one am so glad that you keep swinging everyday – I LOVE your worlds and characters and I hope to continue those relationships for years to come. I can’t wait to see what you do next!
I woke up today in a mood to read some Lili.
Thanks for never disappointing!
I don’t really know what to say. That was really an amazing post. I don’t know exactly how you feel, but I understand the hectic, i’m drowning, ready to explode I can’t even feel how out of control I am desperation. It makes me feel good to know I’m not the only one who gets that, so thanks.
“Do that thing you love”….it’s a beautiful thing.
Loving the “Strange Angels” series; it’s one of my favorites and cannot wait for “Jealousy”!!!
What a great post. It really spoke to how I’ve been feeling after graduating in May and feeling at odds.
I’m looking forward to the new book!
Thank you so much for this inspiring post! It’s just what I needed to hear. “Real courage isn’t fearlessness. It’s trusting yourself despite the fear.” This is will be going on my wall!
Also, thank you for the giveaway. I would absolutely love to read a signed copy of Jealousy early! I have read both books in this series many times over, and they never cease to amaze me.
Thanks for sharing that. Despite the fact that I’m exhausted I’m going to write tonight. And tomorrow. And sunday. And keep on writing.
I’m looking forward to Jealousy.
That is what life is about pushing through the roadblocks that in our way and emerging on the other side a stronger and more confident you. Keep on writing I can’t wait for Jealousy and the other 2 Strange Angels books.
I can’t wait for Jealousy. I’ve been introducing my little brother to your books and he’s eagerly awaiting it, too — common complaint in our household over the past few months was that ‘July is too far away!’
You’re absolutely right about doing what you love. Its something I learned early on when my son was diagnosed with autism. And its something I tell people just starting on their journey with a special needs kid. Find at least 15 mins. every day, no matter what, and do what you love. Even if you have to stay up late or get up early, that time is crucial. It keeps you sane. (For me its reading – its what gets me thru my day.)
I have to say, I love all your books (The Demon’s Librarian is a particular favorite) and I’m looking forward to Jealousy.
“That which doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.” Don’t EVER stop writing.
What an inspiring post!
I’d love to read this book! I love the series!
Great inspiring post, Lili! And thanks for the great giveaway. *crosses fingers*
I hope you keep on writing, because, if you quit, that would be a sad thing for all us readers!
Looking forward to Jealousy! I’m glad you’ve kept up with your writing so I can keep up with my reading. I’ll be picking up your new book at Powell’s.
I’m completely hooked on Jill Kismet, so I’m very glad that you’ve managed to keep on writing through trying times. Congrats on the upcoming release.
Great giveaway. Love chris
I’m very excited for Jealousy to come out! For some reason I thought the release had passed, and I was sad…and then I realize I should have continued reading the page I was on.
Congrats on the upcoming release!
Sara M
I am so excited for Jealousy!!!
Your post today touched me; it was full of emotion. A beautiful summation of doing what you love, no-matter-what life throws at you. Very motivational and reflective. Thank you for posting it!
Thanks for the inspiring words. I’ve been struggling over whether or not to keep working two jobs, or to ditch the 2nd job so I have time to keep doing what I love (the first job must stay for the bills of course). I’m going to keep chugging at it, and I am looking forward to the release of Jealousy. I am completely in love with your first two Strange Angel books, and have tried a few times to draw Dru
She’s just so kick-ass.
I love this post — so inspirational, and reminds us all that life is what we make of it. Thanks for writing, both this entry and your books.
Can’t wait to read Jealousy!!
What would we have done if you’d stopped swinging? I don’t even want to think about it. Thanks for this amazing post.
Thank you so much for this post!
Thanks so much for all your wonderful posts and for the giveaway opportunities! Can’t wait to read Jealousy!!
Strange Angels is one of my favorite series! Dru is awesome! I can’t wait to read Jealousy! Thanks for the great post and awesome giveaway, Lili!
I hope things start to look up in the second half of the year! Thanks for such an awesome giveaway!!
To be honest, I started following you on twitter before I read Strange Angels. But I loved it, and can’t wait for Jealousy.
I love your posts! You inspire me so much!!!! Thanks for the great giveaway – can’t wait for Jealousy!!!!!
WOW! Thank you for writing a new teen series with LIFE! Rather than soppy romances with the perfect endings, we are provided with the P.O.V of a spunky girl that we can all relate to!
That was an amazing post! Sooo can’t wait to read Jealousy! The title alone is killing me!! Count me in!
OMG. I cannot wait for Jealousy. I have it ordered and everything. Cannot wait! And even though writing books is emotion-draining, it’s totally worth it, isn’t it?
I can’t wait for Jealousy!! I’ve read and reread strange angels and betrayals like a thousand times (I know, I have no life) and can’t wait for book 3.
Oh well my Canadian self is a sad panda, but I love you Lilith!
I had a great time with you at the Paranormal Summer Fest and I can’t wait to get my hands on Jealousy!
I wish you the best release!
I would LOVE a copy of Jealousy! Count me in and thanks for the opportunity!
I tried to leave a comment, but it didn’t work
I’m trying again! I hope it works because I want to be entered into the contest!
Can’t wait for its release, sounds good!
Can’t wait to read Jealousy! I love the whole “The Strange Angels Series”. I love reading Strange Angels and Betrayals over and over again. Thanks for the awesome giveaway!
Hi. Love your books, can’t wait to read this one! And don’t you dare stop writing
Great post, Lili. (They’re all good, though. Your posts have kept me from giving up more than once.)
I picked Strange Angels up on a whim and am so happy to find a teen heroine who actually does something!!! Will not name names, but thank goodness she kicks butt too!
Can’t wait for Jealousy!!
That is good advice. My daughter told me about this contest and had me stop by to drop a comment in to win Jealousy for her. She’s really eager to read it!
I love these books so much. I hope I win.
I love reading your blog post. I don’t read too many blogs on the internet, but I loved the Strange Angels series so I thought I’d check out your website and loved reading what you have to say. Can’t wait for the next book (even got my friends hooked on the Strange Angels series ^_^)
It’s funny how there are so few comments normally, but the minute a give-away is announced, suddenly all these folks show up. lol
Anyway, this post reminds me of what my mother used to say when I did bad in something–usually a race or orienteering: “You beat everybody who didn’t show up.” Which is scary to be honest. Think of all the things people are beating you in because you don’t do them.
Loved this post. It’s true, nothing will get done if you stop trying.
Hey, all the best Lili, Been there done that in my life, and you really evoke the affect perfectly. Here I am 25 years later when I spent what seemed like a very long time just pathetically grateful to get through another day’s emotional whirlwinds. The analogy of the climbing wall was perfect! When we go through these things sometimes what’s the toughest is how we harangue ourselves that we should be over it. I was wondering how you were holding up, you really blessed me with your honest account. It is an amazing corner to turn when you realize you are strong, and things really are going to be all right. I was also checking on any new books so was cheered to see your contest here.
yay yay !!! give away!!i never win but why not ?
Thank you for the post. It actually made me think about what it is that I love to do that has gotten me through the difficult patches in my life. It sounds like things are getting better for you. I hope that everything continues to get better.
And thank you for the giveaway. I can’t wait to read Jealousy. I really love this series.
Lili, you are one the authors who have inspired me to a author, thank you so much! I’m waiting eagerly for Jealousy and all other Strange Angel novels.
this is a beautiful post, thank you for sharing.
I can NOT wait to read Jealousy! I’d love to get my hands on it early!
And as always your words are written with so much wisdom and truth and inspiration.
Wonderful post! Count me in for the contest! So awesome!
Love the Strange Angel novels. Can’t wait for Jealousy.
Wow! Life is heartbreaking and inspiring all at once, isn’t it? Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences! It’s nice to know sometimes that other people are “human” too!
I’m dying for this book to come out, I can’t wait!!!
I’m really looking forward to reading Jealousy. Strange Angels and Betrayals were both so good.
I can’t wait for jealousy to come out!!!! i wish it was July 29th NOW!!!
I love the Strange Angels series cant wait for the 29th. Thanks for the give away
I’m so stoked for Jealousy to come out!! I love the Strange Angels series, and I can’t wait to read the new book!
Oh my goodness I love this series so badly. I read it to my sister and she went beserk! She reads heself now. Dru reminds me of her too. A little bit when it comes to taking care of herslef and what not. Graves is the best friend a girl can have but Christophe is a keeper. There’s so many cliffhangers in Betrayals that as soon as the bookstore opens on July 29th, best believe I’m going to be there!
Holy Crap! I’m glad I caught this contest, I am completely hooked to this series. I am absolutely thrilled to find out more about Christopher.
Thank you.
The wait is killer.. love the series so far. Betrayals got me hooked. Not much longer..
Thank you for the inspiration to keep moving forwards with the things you love.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I’m waiting impatiently for jealousy to come out.
I love your books, Miss Crow. All your hard work, blood, sweat and tears really paid off. I can’t wait for Jealousy. These last eight months of waiting have been painful. XP Just a few more weeks left till the book is released but it feels like it will never come for me.
I’ve been where you’re at when you’ve felt like emotionally shutting down and can see you’re a strong woman for getting this far. You’re words are inspirational and aweinspiring, sincerely.
Ms. Saintcrow I just read your post and have been unable to stop “leaking” as you put in your Strange Angel books. Your post voiced so much what I have been going through but could not describe in words. My family has been going through a situation since August of last year. As the barometer of my family by this i mean they act and react depending on how i act. I have been unable to truly let go of the massive amounts of grief, anger, resentment and most of all fear and heartbreak.I often wonder how sometimes to get thru the day so I just repeat I just need to get through this second.I repeat this to myself alot when i would rather just lock the door to my room and not come out until this has passed but as we will not know when this will be over I force myself to go out and do what i have to do. I am sorry that you have suffered this hardship but am grateful that you do write everyday for your dedication has helped my daughter, who reads to escape and take a break, she read your first 2 books in the Strange Angel series and enjoyed them so much she let me read them and we actually had something fun to talk about. So I Thank you for that and for being a person who helped me release alittle bit of the hot searing mess inside and let me know that other people are feeling the same way and dealing with it in a constuctive way.
That was a really uplifting post! The fact that despite the obstacles before you and you were able to just overcome and fight through em is great!
I simply adore all your books!
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