By Dame Toni
Note: This is Part 6 of an article I’m writing for submission to several magazines. To see Previous Installments, look for previous posts on this blog and check out my personal website: http://toniandrews.bravejournal.com
But how does that make you feel?
Back in my contest ho’ days, the comment most likely to drive me stark raving bonkers was “Show, Don’t Tell.” It made me crazy for two reasons: 1) I had absolutely no idea what it meant and 2) it was all over my manuscript. Although some of the more conscientious contest judges took the time to point out an example or suggest an improvement, I just wasn’t getting it.
My first big breakthrough came when I took a workshop by Margie Lawson called “Empowering Characters Emotions.” I was fortunate enough to attend one of her full day master classes, but Margie also performs this as an on-line class a couple of times a year—check out her website: http://www.margielawson.com/.
Showing vs. Telling and Setting:
Margie’s workshop helped me solve a personal mystery. When reading a contest entry from a beginning author, or even a less-than-stellar published work, one of the things that drives me crazy is too much description, especially when the setting. On the other hand, my favorite author, James Lee Burke, puts so much description into his books that the setting is almost one of the characters. And I devour every word with the appetite of a ravenous bayou alligator.
Burke doesn’t tell readers about the fecund swamps of Bayou Teche or the gracefully decaying facades in New Orleans’ Garden District—he shows us how that makes his characters feel.
Here’s a simple example:
Telling:
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The sunlight was extremely bright.
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Better:
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The glare of the sunlight hurt my eyes.
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Now you’re showing!
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I squinted as the glare of the sunlight bounced off the windshield and directly into my eyes.
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The first example describes the setting. The second tells you how the Point of View (POV) character feels about the setting. The third takes you there.
What makes the third so much richer than the first (or even the second)? It’s the (write this down!) involuntary physical reaction to the glare of the sun.
It also tells you whether bright sunlight is a good or a bad thing for the POV character at this particular point in this particular story. On this day, bright sunlight is painful and brings on a squint. On another day, it might feel wonderful, and cause a happy sigh.
By the way, did you catch the Big Hint here? You did? And what conclusion did you draw? Yep, you guessed it—Showing vs. Telling is yet another POV issue!
Try the following exercise. Cut and paste the following chart into a document on your computer. For each “telling” description, first think of a couple of different ways a POV character might feel about that description. Then come up with an involuntary physical reaction that would show the reader the POV character’s emotions.
I’ll do the first one to give you an idea:
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Description |
Emotion |
Involuntary Physical Reaction |
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The smell of smoke was in the air. |
I was alarmed by the smell of smoke |
The hairs rose on my arm as I recognized the smell—smoke! |
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The insects buzzed loudly.
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The house’s paint was faded.
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The night was warm.
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The coffee was bitter.
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The kitchen was a mess.
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Feel free to post any examples you think are especially interesting.
Next (and final!) installment: (Don’t) Name That Tune! Using the five senses to show (rather than tell) emotions.
Related posts:
- Confessions of a Contest Judge, Part 7: (Don’t) Name that Emotion!
- Confessions of a Contest Judge, Part 3: Thinking Like a Point of View Character
- Confessions of a Contest Judge Part 5 – Walk Like John Wayne!
Tags: Point of View, POV
GREAT post!
We can’t be reminded enough to ‘show, don’t tell.’
So glad I find this website! These little tutorials are helping me immensely. Didn’t realize that I was using telling. It’s not the same as showing the reader, letting the reader feel and experience the sensation. Now I have some rewriting to do.
Thanks Toni!
Dottie
What a great post! Thank you so much, this was just the inspiration I needed today. I’ve read so much about “show, don’t tell!”, but this really explains it in wonderful detail. I’ve found my new mantra with “involuntary reaction”.
Thank you for writing this, Dame Toni.
Holly
I LOVE Margie’s workshops! Very nice post, Toni
Something like this?
Description
The house’s paint was faded.
Emotion
She stared at the house, now faded and worn, and cried for her youth.
Involuntary Physical Reaction
She stared at the house, its faded paint, empty, soulless windows, and shuddered at what awaited her inside.
I have SDT! written all over my contest entries, too! This is really helpful.
I’ll take a stab at one:
‘The muscles all around her hairline clenched with the promise of a lowgrade migraine at the scattered proof her kids had swept through the kitchen in search of after-school snacks.’
Writing from real life? Why do you ask?
The night was warm.
I was sweating in warm, night air.
As I stared in wonder at the scattered stars tossed across the black canopy of the night sky, I sucked the warm, humid air into my lungs.
I’m going to copy this little chart and apply it when I go back for second draft edits on the WIP. Thanks, Dame Toni!
Wow, thanks! Now I understand what everyone means when they say, ‘show, don’t tell!’. Very interesting and very useful post, by the way. These help so much!
[...] Showing, not telling [...]
I so totally agree with everybody’s comments.
–Coffee sprayed out of my mouth seconds after I realized somebody had done a lousy job of rinsing the soap out of the pot. Ann scowled at me from across the table, her mascara running as the steaming coffee dripped off her nose.
Ooh, that pesky was/were. I despise SDT (contest judges and critique partners ding me for it all the time) and I <3 little charts so this is perfect for me.
“Was/were” goes to “emotion word” goes to “involuntary physical reaction.” Got it! Now to go practice…
I’m so glad I found you! Fabulous post. I’ll be checking back often and (hopefully!) learning much.
[...] series on fixing a manuscript for contests. The whole series is great, so follow the links from this post on [...]
[...] the way, here is my favorite explanation of showing vs. telling as it involves settings and descriptions. In a nutshell: “The first [...]